


i didn't just lose you (i lost me, too)

by meetmeinthecosmos



Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events (TV), A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst and Feels, Don't Judge Me, Esmé Squalor Needs A Hug, Everyone is Dead, Fire, Firefighting-side, Firestarting-side, Gen, Hopeful Ending, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Mild Language, Mother-Daughter Relationship, My First Work in This Fandom, Not A Fix-It, Not Beta Read, On the Run, One Shot, Post-Canon, Protective Esmé Squalor, Self-Reflection, Sugar Bowl - Freeform, The Author Regrets Nothing, esmé squalor is a good mom, esmé squalor is talented, esmé squalor will change, post-the penultimate peril, scratch that everyone does, sugar bowl gen, they both deserve so much better, this hurt me, this show is sad, vfd, yes i think that the vfd was very close pre-schism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-18 14:15:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28619397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meetmeinthecosmos/pseuds/meetmeinthecosmos
Summary: To Esmé, Carmelita had never been part of the bigger plan. She'd simply been useful, albeit annoying at times.And she couldn't deny the attachment she had to that fire-headed girl.She had one enormous piece torn from her heart the day the VFD split in two. She lost friends...family, even.But Carmelita felt like that missing piece.
Relationships: Carmelita Spats & Esmé Squalor, Count Olaf/Esmé Squalor (formerly), Esmé Squalor & VFD members
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9





	i didn't just lose you (i lost me, too)

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this is my first work in this fandom, and while I did read all the books, it's been so many years so book-canon is out the window.  
> This is more or less based on the Netflix series, and what I think happened after the Hotel Denouement fire in terms of Esmé and Carmelita's situation (since Daniel Handler won't give us an answer).  
> Anyway, enjoy!

Esmé smelled of smoke, ashes, and regret.  
So much regret.  
Like she had bathed in it.  
She should have seen through Olaf's deception in the elevator, and she mentally kicked herself for having not done so.  
But he knew that she'd _think_ he was actually lying when he told her that the sugar bowl was "Totally _NOT_ downstairs in the laundry room," and she fell for it.  
Hook, line and sinker.  
Esmé's face burned at the memory. How could she have been so stupid?  
That bastard was just trying to get both her and Carmelita killed.

_Oh, right._

  
The ginger-crowned little girl slept soundly beside her, the moonlight streaming through the broken glass of the window and illuminating her freckled face. She looked almost peaceful.  
To Esmé, Carmelita had never been part of the bigger plan. She'd simply been useful, albeit annoying at times.  
And she couldn't deny the attachment she had to that fire-headed girl.  
She had one enormous piece torn from her heart the day the VFD split in two. She lost friends... _family_ , even.  
But Carmelita felt like that missing piece.  
Esmé sat up, careful not to disturb the dozing child to her right as a sudden thought rushed through her head.

_I've spent the better portion of my life poisoning the world with arson, theft, kidnapping..._  
_And I murdered people. I'm not the role model she needs, I've been such a fool all along. Letting him use me like that, letting resentment corrode away at my better judgement..._

  
Her mind spun with thoughts, trapped in a neverending downward spiral.  
Where _had_ being evil ever gotten her?  
It hadn't raised her status in any way and most certainly hadn't made her mega-rich as Olaf promised.

_The bastard._

  
And she had a boyfriend who ultimately betrayed her. Tried to have her _and_ her adoptive daughter perish in a fiery death after discovering that the sugar bowl was, in fact, _not_ in the laundry room.  
She remembered the look of fear plastered on the redhead's pale face, eyes wide and mouth parted in a silent scream as the fire crept closer to them.  
Esmé's own eyes were brimming with tears as the little girl's arms wrapped around her torso, clinging to her "mother" like a lifeline. How exactly she managed to get the two of them out of certain death, she didn't know or even care. All she knew was that she had found a trapdoor from her past and shoved Carmelita down the shaft before descending herself, then followed the signs scrawled with names that brought a lump to her throat. But they were alive, and that was more than Esmé could have asked for.

_Those tunnels saved my - our - lives._  
_Although I am surprised that I was able to find us an abandoned outpost. I thought none of the sites were safe anymore. Or were even still standing after...everything._

  
Esmé took a deep breath before coughing as quietly as she could. The smoke had been so overwhelming, infiltrating her lungs and wreaking havoc on her respiratory system.  
She'd told Carmelita to cover her nose and mouth with the collar of her shirt, but Esmé suspected that they had been travelling for too long a time engulfed in the smoke to be safe from its effects.  
Carmelita had said that the Baudelaires mentioned something about a fire downstairs, and the lower they went, the sharper the smell got.  
Like ammonia and death.  
Why did she let herself keep going?  
If the sugar bowl had ever been down there, it wasn't anymore.  
She was so driven by revenge and consumed by lust that she willingly put herself and Carmelita in danger.

_God, what's happened to me? All these years...I've strayed so far from who I was. Dewey told me I'm a capable woman._  
_That I deserve more._  
_And if that's true, I need to prove it, starting by making sure this impressionable little thing doesn't follow in my ridiculously small footsteps._  
_I need to be her mother._

  
She thought back to all the violent fires she dove headfirst into - they all dove into - and remembered how bold she had been.  
How incredibly resilient and talented.  
Esmé needed to bring out that part of her; needed to find it buried deep down and retrieve it from its ancient grave.  
She had to share it - had to help Carmelita discover who she was, all while Esmé figured out how to be who she was before.

_If I had just listened to Beatrice that night..._  
_Everyone would probably still be alive._  
_Georgina._  
_Monty._  
_Jacquelyn._  
_Lemony._  
_Kit._  
_Jacques._  
_Josephine._  
_Ike._  
_Frank._  
_Ernest. Dewey._  
_Gregor._  
_The Quagmires._  
_Gustav._  
_Larry._  
_Bertrand._  
_Olaf._  
_Beatrice._  
_Anyone I missed._  
_We would still be dancing into the early hours of dawn, high on laughter and fun and drinking the cheapest wine the bartender could offer._  
_Even if the party was dreadfully lame, we could live it up like no one else could._  
_We would play spin the bottle and never have I ever and truth or dare on Saturday evenings at the Paltryville outpost, and we would positively howl with laughter at the embarrassment of those whose secrets were outed._  
_It was hysterical._  
_And we would be together._  
_Always._  
_I had thought that we were so very invincible. When we conducted missions, made peace in the world, saved so many from death by blaze - literally and figuratively - nothing could stop us._  
_We were astounding._

  
A small sigh disrupted her thoughts, though it wasn't unwelcome.  
Esmé shot a quick glance at Carmelita, her mouth parted slightly in slumber and ginger ringlets framing her petite face. As the moon summoned her too into the warmth of sleep, Esmé found herself whispering a phrase she thought she'd never say again, but one that fit so perfectly at that moment.

_"The world is quiet here."_  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I'm in desperate need of more sugar bowl gen content!  
> like, am I the only one who thinks they were super close? I want to see domestic!vfd so bad it hurts.  
> let me know what you think! comments and kudos are much appreciated!  
> xo


End file.
